Day 245: The Man At My Side

I spent the day before take off with Lars.

And, while my stress level is at an all time high, I feel pretty prepared for tomorrow’s exit from American life.

Today, between bouts of stressful list checking, cleaning, and cat petting, I tried to take moments here and there to be grateful for all the things I have here in my home and life. It’s been a crazy couple of weeks. Fifth step, planning, worrying. But, deep down there’s that feeling, somewhere in me, that it’s all going to be just fine.

I found myself getting irritated with Lars. My expectation of him today was that he be my rock. That he confirm all the things that I needed confirmed. That I’m OK. That I’m prepared. That I’m loved. That have no reason to be stressed or worried. Instead, he was himself. Which, of course, is what I really needed, but, because I’m not feeling like myself my patience was limited.

We spent the afternoon in my apartment listening to music. Then, we drove up to the top of Rocky Butte and gazed down on the beauty of the Columbia River. I know Lars brought me up there with the intention of relaxing me, but, I was so preoccupied with everything back at home, in my apartment and in my suitcase, that it was really hard for me to be present and engaged.

We ate a hurried dinner later than I was hoping to do so, and, again, I found myself annoyed with Lars’ calm demeanor. I had to continually remind myself, that for him, this was a day solely to enjoy me before I left town. I had to let go of all the preconceived notions that I had for the day. The two weeks ahead of me, those weeks are for me. I’m going on my journey. Today though, tonight, this time is for Lars and I.

I had to let go of that selfish thinking that so often creeps in when stress levels are elevated. I’ll have all the time in the world to worry about myself, tomorrow.

So, I settled into the stress. Leaned in to Lars’ shoulder, and reminded myself that, no matter how exciting my trip will be, that this, this time, this place, this man, this is important right now.

I know that, as much fun as I’ll be having, there will be those moments while I’m away that I will be wishing for this, for Lars. And, so, I try to relax and enjoy this wonderful thing I have, right now.

Because tomorrow, I will be thousands of miles away.

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