Days 264-267: Hunky Dory Deficit

I started this blog to remind myself of what I am trying to do in sobriety.

I want to be accountable for my life. I want to have a record of my story. I want to share my experience.

And, like the good people-pleaser that I am, I wanted it all to be positive. I wanted this blog to be the place where I could sit down at the end of each day, and find some good. Even if it’s just a little bit.

As time goes on, I realize more and more that so much of sobriety, in reality, is not what I thought I wanted. And, some days, it really doesn’t feel like there’s much good in my world. And while, somewhere, deep down, I know that isn’t true. I know I am lucky to have the people I have in my life, the roof over my head, the food on my dinner plate, I still have trouble finding gratitude.

But, the truth of the matter is, if I’m to be really, truly honest, I have to admit to you, and to myself, that not every day in sobriety is hunky dory. I can sit down and try, but, there are days, usually days that string together sequentially, that I just can’t find gratitude for anyone or anything. I get lost somewhere. And that somewhere is most certainly my alcoholism. I have enough recovery now to know that for sure.

The last few days I’ve found it difficult to regroup. My fight with Lars, though somewhat resolved, doesn’t feel that way. I feel like I conceded to something I didn’t want to, even though that isn’t really the case. I feel like I let myself down by getting lost in someone again. I feel resentful that I put the good person I thought I’d become out there, and that I got a result that looks a lot like the results I used to get when I was drinking.

It makes you question, what’s the value in being sober? What are the dividends when things don’t have the payoff that you were expecting? Am I expected to turn over all my expectations of people, all of them? Because, the last few days, that doesn’t seem fair or right. Sobriety has asked me to redefine my definitions of “fair” and “right.” And, yes, those concepts look very different today than they did at the onset of sobriety, but, I still have what I consider to be a pretty good moral compass, and it’s hard to reconcile what you know, from deep within, and what you’re told is the better way.

Who do you trust ultimately? If my higher power is within me, how can I be sure when to trust myself over some outside influence? Who makes the final call?

It isn’t all hunky dory. And, the best I can do sometimes is sit and know that, whatever this is I’m feeling, for as long as I am  going to feel it, I will get through it. And, when I am through it, I will be on the other end and I will be able to see the lesson I was supposed to learn. It’s just hard being in the thick of it, waiting, knowing that the ending is impossible to predict. I could be on the other side tomorrow, or, it could be six months from now.

So, today, the best I can do in the way of positivity is know that this too shall pass, and when it does, I’ll know why my higher power wanted me to have these days where the bright side feels like the other side.

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