Day 269: “Recovery Period,” Adieu.

I got a job yesterday, I start tomorrow, and today, I’m feeling the fear.

I knew it was coming. I knew that the joy and relief of yesterday would wear off, and quickly. It’s scary when you have to adjust, even if you’ve been hoping to make an adjustment for awhile.

I knew the day would come that I’d get work. I’ve wanted it so badly and still want it. But today, as I panic slightly at the thought of leaving behind this stretch of time that’s been devoted entirely to me and my recovery, I know I’m not being unreasonable. It’s a big change. In my time management. In my recovery. In career my path. In everything.

All this movement in my life is great, because I know I must be doing something right for all the facets of my life to be moving forward. But, at the same time, I’d just gotten used to having my days free, having time for all the self care I needed. Time for adventures. And, today, it seems almost sad to say goodbye to this time in my life. It is sad.

There’s that voice though that reminds me that I’m doing the right thing. That it’s time to move on. That I wouldn’t have this opportunity if I weren’t ready for it. The sequence of events that led up to getting this job were pretty serendipitous. And while today it may feel wrong somehow, I know better. It’s that fear of the unknown. Fear of letting go of what you know and grabbing a hold of something new, something that you’re not sure about. It’s an exercise in trust and willingness. And, it’s really a great way to learn to talk to yourself. I know that if this job isn’t for me, that I’ll have the power inside myself to cross that bridge, should I come to it.

Fear will always be there. The unknown is daunting, with good reason, but, I also know that when we stop and face our fear, it’s bark is usually worse than its bite.

I’m going to enjoy this day. Mark it as the last day of my “recovery period.” Now, I get to live my life in recovery. And, that is the greatest gift, a gift which makes fear look like my bitch.

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