The first day of anything is hard.
Diving into something new and unfamiliar is intimidating. But, something I’ve learned in recovery is that if we let go of our preconceived notions, expectations, and fears we can learn to live in and love the moment. It’s an attitude. If you walk into something with the thought that you’re not good enough, that you’re going to fail, that you’re incapable, all those things start to manifest themselves.
I woke up with a lot of fear this morning. I wondered what I was walking into. Would I like this type of work? Would my coworkers be kind, patient, and accepting, or would they be harsh, hurried, and judgmental? Like any good alcoholic, I wanted to walk into my new workplace with a detailed road map, a list of things to do. I wanted to be perfect. To walk in the door at nine o’clock and have the whole system mastered when the door hit my butt on the way out at five o’clock.
As all these thoughts, fears, and expectations ran through my head and stress started to creep in, elevate, and become overwhelming, I had to turn to core of my program. And, that core is, I have to let go. I have to trust that whatever my God wants me to have today, is what I need. Whatever lessons, feelings, or tasks may come my way, I just have to trust that I can handle them with grace. So, as I drove over the Ross Island bridge into SW Portland, I kept repeating: It’s going to be a good day.
And, you know something, it was a good day. I got an overview of the office from my co-workers and boss. I got an opportunity to get my feet wet, but, as any normal person would expect, I wasn’t asked to run the office on my own. I faced every task and conversation with interest and motive. And, when five o’clock rolled around, I felt truly confident that I was going to fit in, do well, and eventually become an asset to this enterprise.
My mother always used to say: It’s mind over matter.
And, in some ways it’s really true. Maybe we can’t will positive things into existence, but we can walk into existing things with positivity. And, having an attitude of willingness and determination is a far cry from the life I used to lead, where I walked into work disenchanted and beaten. If you don’t feel that you’re good enough, no one else will, and the validation that keeps us going can’t come full circle.
This morning in the car I asked my higher power to be there with me, to help me bring all my good qualities to the table. Me, I promised I’d bring my good attitude. And together, me and my higher power, we fuckin’ brought it.