Day 282: Renew

Not only is my library book from long, long before I left for Ireland overdue and need of renewal, by spirit is too.

These past few weeks, which only today seem to feel that they are actually behind me have catapulted me into something new and as mysterious as it is predictable.

In Step 3, we turn it over. Or, we say we’ll turn it over. But, saying and doing are very different entities. And, sometimes, we say things with every intention of their being true. We have all the guts we can muster behind this one proclamation. We “TURN OURSELVES OVER!!!” and yet, there we stand, completely owned by all our own shit. Completely unaware.

Today, I see how AA has helped me not only to see myself, but, to grow. I’ve gone from screaming in God’s ear at the Pony Tail Falls. My 3rd Step. I truly believed in that moment that I had given everything over. And, today, I know that what I offered then was only a fraction of what is available of me. But, it took growing new eyes to see what I am capable of giving. How much more it takes to truly let things go. The feeling, the relief, that finally came when I realized that not getting whatever it was I wanted for myself doesn’t mean anything other than I’m not meant to have it. That I have what I’m meant to have. The job. The family. The boyfriend. The cat. The apartment. The everything. And, when I’m not meant to have something, I will no longer have it. It sounds simple when it’s all typed out in neat, Times New Roman letters. But, surrender to a power greater than your own will, opinion, plans, expectations, entitlements, and education, it is perhaps the most difficult and complex notions I have ever tried to work out.

And, when I realized that working it out is precisely the thing that stifles the whole learning curve, then came my moment of clarity.

I woke this morning renewed. Grateful for all the things I have, big and small. All the people I have in my life, crazy and adoring. And, in feeling that peace of having everything I could possible need or want for this day, and more, I suddenly found myself looking forward to every moment. Time raced around the clock, and each moment led, seamlessly into the next.

I took my 9 Month coin at my favorite women’s meeting tonight. I had missed it last week because of Lars’ hospitalization. I sat in the circle with these ladies, who have been there from the very beginning. And, as I shared, I could feel their understanding. They all have seen how to turn oneself over changes throughout the whole process of getting sober.

We all learn to turn more and more over, only because there continues to be more and more to give.

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