This week was my second full week at my new job.
My first week, crazy and distracted, with Lars’ hospitalization, was a blur. So, this week, I was able to jump in with both feet. I was able to see what I’d really got myself into, what I should expect and what is expected of me.
My job isn’t some thrilling, edge of your seat, nail biter of a thrill ride. It’s more like an episode of The Office, without the laughs. It’s dry, sometimes monotonous paperwork. But, it’s exactly what I want and need.
I finally understand what The Big Book means when it talks about being a worker amongst workers. I am a different person now than I was when I was last in the workplace. Work isn’t the self-serving thing it has been for me in the past. I may be pushing paper, but, pushing that paper helps another person in the world get to their outcome. And, that’s what it’s about for me now. I’m busy, because, there’s a lot of paper to push. The day zips by. And, at the end of it, when the thick stack of files I’ve made my way through in the course of the day sits on the edge of my desk, I feel accomplished.
I have purpose. And, for now, that’s all I need.
This job isn’t the end of the line. I won’t be sitting at this desk forever. That I know. But, these days, I’m living just for today. And today, I accomplished something, it felt good, and I got paid to do it. And, that’s enough.
Before I quit drinking, nothing was ever enough. I was always waiting for that next thing to happen. Today, I can be happy with what is, here, now, in this moment. And, that is so much better than feeling disappointed, or constantly waiting for something that may never come.
Today, I get to be an ant marching alongside all the other ants. And, while I may be carrying only the tiniest of pebbles, somewhere inside myself, I know, I’m helping to build a tunnel. And, that tunnel, it’s taking me somewhere great.