Day 288: Girlfriends

I’m not sure what’s going on  here. I want a girlfriend.

No, I haven’t gone renegade lesbian. But, recently, I’ve really felt this need to have more women in my life.

It’s something I’ve never been good at. Middle school, high school, college, adulthood, I’ve always hung around guys. And, of course there’s been a a woman or two who ran in my circle of friends, a female co-worker that was fun and easy to relate to, but not a great friend. Not a chick who is worthy of becoming a part of what I hope will eventually become my very own Sex and the City posse.

Well, maybe I won’t go that far.

But, I will say that my women’s AA meetings have been the most rewarding of late. I feel understood, and, I feel like the more I go through in sobriety, the more I want people who really understand and can help me interpret my own experience. I’ve fought the female ally thing for awhile. Somewhere deep down, there’s that competitive mistrust. That need to appear a certain way in front of other women. Saving face takes on a whole new definition.

In sobriety though, and in AA, where people are really searching themselves, really examining where their true weaknesses lie, we start to see that maybe those things we used to think about other women aren’t as true as we thought. I’m finding that we all feel the same way, judged. And, in that acknowledgement of judgement, we somehow begin to free ourselves from it.

It’s taken awhile to get to this place. To a place where I actually want to let other women in and let them see me be vulnerable. But, the more I change and grow in AA, the more I see that I have to look outside myself. I have to find people whose answers and truths are akin to my own. And, perhaps I knew that this would be uncomfortable. Maybe that’s why it took so long to come around.

I’m not entirely there yet. But, my new girlfriend, she’s gonna be great, even if she is a crazy, judgmental bitch. That’s how I roll.

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