I dreamed of my ex last night.
It was one of those dreams you just know that you won’t forget. A vivid picture. A setting that’s imprinted. There are dreams that I have hurriedly written down, the threat of losing them nipping at my heels. Not this dream. I’ll carry this one for a long time, if not forever.
There are some images so striking that even if we don’t understand them completely, we see something. Really see it. And, maybe it’s more of a feeling than anything else. Like, when you’re at an art gallery or museum and an art piece really hits you in your gut, without any real reason. Maybe it’s a defined image, maybe it’s abstract, but, somehow you know it, it’s familiar.
I still find myself thinking about my ex these days. He still crops up in a variety of ways. All garden variety ex feelings. Resentment. Sadness. Nostalgia. Regret. Self righteousness. You name it, and I’ve probably been down that road with the ol’ ex. And, maybe that’s why this dream was so striking. All the feelings I had toward him turned on me.
I was asked, in my dream, to decide something. And, I remember feeling panicked at the prospect of having to make a decision about this thing. And, when I woke, I felt that I still had to decide. This thing that had been eminent and immediate in my dream, wasn’t so far fetched here in my real life. And, even though I don’t have to make a decision like the one my ex asked me to make, I feel like, well, maybe I do.
If your being asked to decide something in your dream, isn’t that just your subconscious asking you to decide something in your waking hours?
In my dream, before I could tell my ex what I’d decided, I knew I had to tell him that I was clean and sober. And so I opened my mouth to tell him, and then, I woke up to the chiming of my alarm.
My first, waking thought this morning was, I’m clean and sober now. And as I deconstruct my dream, I know that, because of my sobriety, if I decide, whatever I decide, it will be the right thing to do