Day 295: The Tipping Point

Just when things seem to be even, the scales set, then that one grain of sand sets it all off.

The tipping point.

The place where things become just enough that it’s suddenly off kilter.

I’ve been teeter tottering with Lars for what feels like a long, long time. I go back and forth. Whose grain of sand is the one that’s making the whole scale tip? Is it me and my insecurities? My fear of being hurt again? My own discomfort in the knowledge that, maybe, just maybe, someone actually loves me? Or, is it Lars? His busy and committed life? Friends and band mates, recording studios and softball practices?

Since leaving my ex, finding a new partner has taken on such a level of pressure. I really want to be happy this time. I want it to work. I want it to be healthy and happy. And, well, perfect.

But, I know all too well, now more than ever, that perfection is not possible. The thing is, love is completely and totally messy. And, no matter how much AA you ingest. No matter how many tools are hanging from your belt, love will derail you. It will make you ask questions about yourself and the significant other in your life that you can’t answer. It will leave you with one truth: You can’t create what you’ll be. It will just happen.

The more I manipulate my relationships, the more I wonder where I went wrong. Why, when all I seek is balance, do I find only more questions, more factors to weigh out?

It takes me back to Step 3. Have I turned it over to God? All of it? What am I still holding on to? And, why, why can’t I just let it go? If I did, where would God place everything?

These are the questions I will always ask, but, until I truly let the scales fall as God sees them fit, on his terms, I’ll never, never know.

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