Sometimes I get in my own way.
I see it coming, like a train wreck, but there’s no stopping it.
These days recovery is less about drinking and more about rewiring. Rewiring the brain that so often leads me to places I don’t want to go. It’s that same brain that convinced me to drink years of my life away, all the while telling myself that I was having the time of my life, as everything slowly unraveled.
So, I’ve put the glass down, but, the hard wiring for all the behaviors that had become so standard is still there. And, the clearer my purpose becomes, the more I just want to tear out the whole system.
It’s like defusing a bomb. Which wire will deactivate the bomb? Which one will detonate it? The blue one, red one, or the green? I still don’t know all the time. And, learning the inner workings of my brain’s bomb system is risky business. Explosions are inevitable. So the real task becomes mastering the clean up, and learning from missteps.
As the clock ticks down to my next unhinging, I frantically pull at every wire. Ripping each one out, little electrical surges sting me. I hold my breath with each cut and cross.
And, live in the hope that when things do explode, that eventually the dust will settle, and there, beside the debris and desolation, I can rebuild.