Day 329: (Higher) Power Play

Lars is back in the hospital.

Things are totally shitty for him right now, and, they have been for a good, long while.

It’s been a string of horrible luck. And, it really leaves me wondering how I can reconcile this place of positivity in my life with seeing his pain and suffering. I haven’t had nearly as many challenges as Lars. Certainly not in the same way. So, as I hang on to my AA tools, desperately, in my own life, I have tried to share my positive thinking with Lars. But, when all is said and done, the truth is, he doesn’t have a lot to be positive about right now.

I feel like a liar telling him that everything will be OK, that God’s plan is at work even if we can’t see it. It doesn’t seem fair. Why would his higher power do this to him? It seems cruel. And, even as an outsider, it’s really hard for me to see the good here. If I were Lars, I’d have a difficult time making a gratitude list too.

While I know I’m powerless in many ways here, I know that Lars’ fragile state gives me an opportunity to be of service. To be a support. A shoulder to cry on. To be a person who prays for others. But, even those things seem useless. I feel like I’m living on two planes of existence: My own and Lars’.

Here I am, watching my life shape up. Changing my thinking so that I can make it through each day. And, at the same time, watching Lars try and try, and watching things slip for him. What makes one person’s experience so different from another’s? Why can’t we all be rewarded for our honest efforts?

These are questions I just can’t answer. And, for me, this is where faith has to step in. I have to have faith even if Lars can’t right now. I have to believe that something bigger is at work here, even if I’m not meant to see or understand it. Because, without that faith, that belief, there’s really no good reason I shouldn’t drink. If bad shit happens, even when you’re trying your damnedest to do the right thing, it seems that the world is just plain cruel. And, while I hate accepting cruelty, if I’m going to survive this planet without liquor, I’m going to have to find faith somewhere.

I have to believe that one of our higher powers is going to make a huge power play, and soon. Because Lars needs it. And, more than anything right now, I want something spectacularly good to happen for him.

It’s hard to know what faith looks like. But, today, faith means that I’m not only going to have to rely on my higher power, I’m going to have to rely on Lars’ too.

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