So much of my sobriety has been a negotiation.
Giving up this for that. Doing one thing instead of the other.
Compromise. No matter how long I do it, it still seems like a tall order. I struggle daily with turning everything over and letting the chips fall where they may. I know that by making the right choices, I help the chips to fall in the best way possible. I accept that in the end, I don’t have the power to determine the whole outcome. I’m just a small part of my own bigger picture.
The problem is knowing what choices to make. Some days, it’s simple. Clear cut. Definitive. I know the best choice. I know what compromise will be the most beneficial to me in the end. But, recently, especially with Lars, I don’t know what the right choices are. They aren’t obvious. It’s a hazy line. And, I don’t know where I’m dipping into self-will and where I’m selling myself short.
I love Lars, but, as time goes on I’m starting to see how very different we can be. And, in sobriety, I’ve learned that differences aren’t necessarily deal breakers. Sometimes differences challenge us to be better people, enable us to see outside our own field of vision, and help us to grow. There are other times, where we have to accept that there are differences that really bring things to a screeching halt. And, we can’t always get past those. Some things are beyond compromise. And, the healthiest thing we can do is be honest with ourselves, and walk away.
Of course I want to work out all these differences with Lars. I want to see how we can each be our own people, true to ourselves, and still find some way to be happy together. But, wanting things can’t always make them a reality. There have been a number of instances recently where the divide between us has grown. And, we’re both present enough to communicate and try to work through them, and even though we’ve recovered from each little explosion, it seems like a little distance remains, and with each negotiation, each compromise, the space between us seems to widen.
I don’t know if this is going to work out. And, the independent, strong part of me wonders if I’m just holding on here because I don’t want to let something fail in sobriety. But, I also wonder if letting go is the strong thing to do, the victory, not the failure. If I were to end things with Lars, it wouldn’t be burning a bridge like it has been with my other relationships. I want Lars in my life. I just don’t know if having him be the role of my leading man is the best part for him, or for me.
So, the negotiation continues. This is a big deal. It holds a big place in my life, and, I won’t make any snap decisions here. But, it’s something to contemplate. What’s the best deal? And, who really gets the crap end of it?