Day 191: Guts

My mother always told me: Trust your gut.

Call it what you will, guts, instinct, the inner yes/no guidance system, but, whatever it is, it’s truth.

Living the better part of my life as an relatively inflexible and careful person, trusting the inner voice inside me isn’t an easy task. There have been many situations where my head has talked me out of listening to my gut reactions. And, while I may have made logical, well thought out, practical choices in the past, as I begin to embrace my true inner compass, I’m beginning to see that the most sensible decisions aren’t necessarily the best ones.

My whole recovery experience has contributed to listening to what’s inside. Education, self-awareness, mindfulness, yoga, acupuncture, meditation, all these things provide the foundation for being curious about what’s within, what lies beneath. I spent a lot of time and energy covering up, burying really, all the things in my life that I didn’t want to look at. Because, let’s be honest, looking deep within means, eventually, you’re going to see some things that you’d rather leave alone, avoid, or altogether deny.

Six months ago, I would have chuckled at you if you told me that opening up on the inside would connect me, in a powerful way, to the universe and the cosmos. I still chuckle sometimes at my evolving “hippie-like” philosophies. But, whack-a-do as they may sound, I feel better. Even in my passing moments of pain, loneliness, and contempt, I can sit in acceptance. Those feelings are my experience, they’re not bad or good. They just are. I am a part of some greater thing at work here. I am what I am, and whatever I am, my guts are too.

I had another job interview today. I’d been looking forward to it. I had a good feeling around it. I’d prayed about it. I visualized it. And, when I walked through the front doors of the office and up to the reception desk, I felt ready.

I met with two of the office’s four employees. A tiny, tiny office. They were casual, comfortable, and inviting. Our interview was more of a chat than an interrogation. And, as I sat there listening to my interviewers, I felt my guts scream, YES!

Then, I was informed of some factors that made the situation seem less optimal than I’d envisioned. But, even having heard these potential downsides, I couldn’t shake that feeling of ooey goodness. It just seemed right. So, I finished out the interview, beaming my most professional smile. And, as I walked out the door, I felt great. In the car, on the ride home, I felt my brain fight to intervene. It tried to convince me that the factors which concerned me were deal breakers. But, despite it’s best efforts, my brain lost out.

I have decided that, things aren’t perfect. They never will be perfect, except perhaps in the case of divine intervention. And, in order to have a divine intervention, you have to let something intervene with your own plans and designs. I could make arguments for and against many job opportunities. The thing is, I’m done arguing. If my gut tells me this is it, for once, I’m gonna go with it. Sure, down the road things may go asunder, but, if we plan for the failures we’re actually subconsciously inviting the failures into our lives.

I may not even be offered this job. But, if I am, I’m pretty certain I’m going to take it. I’m going to try out trusting my gut. Taking my mom’s sage advice from long ago. My inner compass is pointing me somewhere bigger, better than it ever has before. It’s gravity pulls on the dial with the force of the new universe to which I have suddenly been acclimated. It’s time for a new, uncertain adventure.

No guts, no glory.

Day 187: Surfacing

In treatment, my eyes were widened to the broad scope and power of Chinese Medicine.

It’s something that I never discredited or discounted prior to being introduced to it, because I had no reason to feel one way or the other about it, it’s something with which I had no experience. And frankly, I had no interest. As a relatively healthy person, bodily anyway, healing and treating conditions with an alternative medicine seemed overly involved. Without knowing it, Western medicine has become my default. Makes sense I suppose, being in the Western part of the world. Just drive to the supermarket, grab the bottle of Advil or cough syrup and you’re good to go. So, I thought.

After my daily acupuncture treatments in treatment, I became interested in the whole process. I started to talking to the acupuncturists about herbal options and nutrition options for treatment of various mental and emotional ailments. The staff, being the whizzes they are, were able to point me in the right direction, giving me samples of herb blends, and food recommendations for certain, specific, ailments. It took time to see the bigger picture, I’ve done a good amount of research outside of treatment, buying, and borrowing books from the library. Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) is a whole new world of thinking about, administering, and treating the body, as a whole.

As I continue to read on my own and talk to the very able practitioners that I still see at my treatment center, I’m starting to see big changes. I’m feeling better, on many different levels. The theory of balance that the TCM model revolves around seems to be seeping into my life. Things that seemed stuck, along with my old way of thinking about and approaching health and change, are starting to move. It’s like the line at the bottom of a buoy’s been cut, and it’s rushing to the surface of the water, head bobbing, free and loose.

As I dive into a new book on understanding and implementing health techniques based on the theory of the Five Elements, I find myself more obsessed than ever. With my interest at fever pitch, I went to my acupuncturist and asked her to place my needle points based on my ‘elemental’ identity. I know, I know, this is the part where it sounds like I’ve really become a tried and true West Coast girl, but, woo woo as all this may seem, I’m seeing the difference. And, while I have more faith in my life than I ever have before, I’m still a sucker for “seeing is believing.” I mean, who isn’t?

In acupuncture, things come to the surface. Certain needles will help clear out whatever is stuck, they get things moving again. And, maybe that’s what all this is about, moving. Gone are the days where I fear what I don’t know. In the past six months I have seen paths of great uncertainty yield an abundance of joy and change that I could never have predicted. I know now that to fear and avoid the unknown is to deny yourself something special.

So, I intend to let this curiosity surface and see what develops.