Day 372: The Return Of The Pink Cloud

I’ve spent a lot of time time thinking about where, exactly, a year sober would leave me.

I’ve had a real shit-storm of a summer emotionally and, frankly, toward the middle of August, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it to the year mark. I’d come up with a lot of good reasons that would make it acceptable for me to throw in the towel and down a fifth of Jim Beam like it was a cold glass of water on a hot, hot day.

Little by little, my head broke me down. It told me all kinds of stories about how uneventful having a year in sobriety would be. It told me that my sobriety birthday would be just another day, and, I’d wake up on Day 365 feeling the same, if not worse, as I had on Day 364.

The truth is, when I strip everything down, I had no idea what to expect.

So, I bucked up. I walked into my year just to say I’d done it. I gave up the expectation that some magical rainbow would explode forth from my head, showering me with stars and baby kittens. I decided that I just had to make it, and then, go from there.

Well, it’s true. My head did not explode, raining down glitter and moon beams. But, something changed in me. In that one day. That paradigm. Walking across that invisible threshold gave me something I’ve never had before, faith in myself.

No one else kept me sober this year. This entire year. Sure, when I ran into trouble, I had people to fall back on and prop me up, but, ultimately, if I had wanted to take a drink, honestly, I could have. Stepping into this new year has led me to believe that I can do things on my own. That my will, my spirit, my strength of heart, are actually far more powerful than I had originally surmised.

As I finish up my birthday week, I feel like I can take anything on, literally anything. Because, giving up drinking was the hardest thing, the most impossible thing, that I have ever done in my life. Giving it up, facing myself, gritting my teeth, being uncomfortable…I did it all. And, I did it all so that I wouldn’t drink. And, I didn’t. I have not had a drink in over a year. And, still, saying those words just sounds wrong. It sounds impossible. But, not only is it possible, it’s reality.

I have a new faith that I can change all these other things that seemed so hard: Running, writing a book, starting a small business. It all seems so attainable. And, what’s even better than knowing I can do these things, is that I know that they don’t have to happen immediately. I can work on all these things slowly: a year at a time, a month at a time, a week at a time, and yes, one day at a time. And, I know, deep down, somewhere in my gut, I can accomplish all these things and more.

The “Pink Cloud” has returned.

So, I’ll hop aboard now. I know that these magical clouds and happy thoughts can be short lived.

So, just for today, I’ll enjoy where I am, and be stoked for what’s to come.

Day 365: One Year Sober

I left my apartment for my AA home group this morning, shaking.

My hands clung to the steering wheel. And, for a few moments, I thought the car would spin out of control on its on accord.

This feeling. This incredible and impossible feeling. This sense of sheer hope and accomplishment. It has no description.

I have been sober for a year. One year ago, I started this journey, a woman in tatters. Filled with pain, anger, uncertainly, and fear. I had the best intentions, but set out with skepticism. I had hopes for myself, but no hope with which to realize my dreams. I had plans for myself, but no means to carry them out. I had love in my life, but no ability to see or appreciate it.

Today, I sat in my home group, chairing a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, my meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I heard my fellowship of friends, my battle buddies, say things about me that were so kind, so loving, that to think of myself a year ago, a stranger to all these people, feels almost inhumane. My heart burst.

I am changed.

In ways unthinkable a year ago, and still astounding today, I know who I am. And today, all the mysteries that lay before me seem like miracles, not obstacles.

Today, I have so many things, tangible and intangible, that I did not have a year ago. I have a job I never thought I’d have, and, I’m not fighting tooth and nail to escape. I have, Lars, my boyfriend, with whom I have seen the highest of highs and lowest of lows. And even in my most fearful moments, I stayed with him, because, I’ve learned that not knowing what to do next means you probably shouldn’t do anything just yet. And staying, sticking out the moments I thought I couldn’t handle, I have discovered that I’ve built a love so strong, that I had to redefine love.

Today Lars said things to me in his share in the meeting that opened my heart in ways it could never have opened before. He let me in, in front of a room full of people. And, in doing so, I became able to walk through a door to his heart that I hadn’t even known to be there. And that, that, is sobriety. The world changes before your eyes.

Things are not always as they appear. If you’re new to sobriety, the best advice I can give you is to wait.

Just wait. If you wait, something, and everything, will change.

Change is who we are. A constant flux of growth and decay. And, if you focus your energies on what lies ahead and not on the road you’ve left behind, I think you’ll find everything that falls away, no matter how painful it is in the moment, allows us to become more brilliant than we ever could have imagined. God has arrived. And, for a whole year, I have been the recipient of grace far beyond my deserving or expectation.

My parents came to Portland from NYC to be here for my 1 year anniversary. And, to see their pride, their love, and their acceptance of me and the woman I’m still becoming, made me appreciate all the things they have done for me even more. This infinite gratitude for my life just gets bigger and bigger.

I want to thank you. My loyal readers. I know there are just a few of you, but, writing this blog has helped me to remain present and conscious this year more than you can possibly know. You have given me a voice, even if it is a small one. I know that many of you are sober yourselves, or are trying to get sober, or have loved ones that are on this sobering journey. And, I must say, above all, it is the support I’ve received this year, from so many places, that has kept me afloat. You are a part of that. Thank you.

Now that I’ve done this thing, sobriety, for a whole year, I truly believe I can take anything on. There is so much more.

And, it’s possible.

Anything is possible, if you just give yourself a chance.

Day 344: Let’s Make A Deal

So much of my sobriety has been a negotiation.

Giving up this for that. Doing one thing instead of the other.

Compromise. No matter how long I do it, it still seems like a tall order. I struggle daily with turning everything over and letting the chips fall where they may. I know that by making the right choices, I help the chips to fall in the best way possible. I accept that in the end, I don’t have the power to determine the whole outcome. I’m just a small part of my own bigger picture.

The problem is knowing what choices to make. Some days, it’s simple. Clear cut. Definitive. I know the best choice. I know what compromise will be the most beneficial to me in the end. But, recently, especially with Lars, I don’t know what the right choices are. They aren’t obvious. It’s a hazy line. And, I don’t know where I’m dipping into self-will and where I’m selling myself short.

I love Lars, but, as time goes on I’m starting to see how very different we can be. And, in sobriety, I’ve learned that differences aren’t necessarily deal breakers. Sometimes differences challenge us to be better people, enable us to see outside our own field of vision, and help us to grow. There are other times, where we have to accept that there are differences that really bring things to a screeching halt. And, we can’t always get past those. Some things are beyond compromise. And, the healthiest thing we can do is be honest with ourselves, and walk away.

Of course I want to work out all these differences with Lars. I want to see how we can each be our own people, true to ourselves, and still find some way to be happy together. But, wanting things can’t always make them a reality. There have been a number of instances recently where the divide between us has grown. And, we’re both present enough to communicate and try to work through them, and even though we’ve recovered from each little explosion, it seems like a little distance remains, and with each negotiation, each compromise, the space between us seems to widen.

I don’t know if this is going to work out. And, the independent, strong part of me wonders if I’m just holding on here because I don’t want to let something fail in sobriety. But, I also wonder if letting go is the strong thing to do, the victory, not the failure. If I were to end things with Lars, it wouldn’t be burning a bridge like it has been with my other relationships. I want Lars in my life. I just don’t know if having him be the role of my leading man is the best part for him, or for me.

So, the negotiation continues. This is a big deal. It holds a big place in my life, and, I won’t make any snap decisions here. But, it’s something to contemplate. What’s the best deal? And, who really gets the crap end of it?

Day 339: Want To Keep It? Give It Away.

Yesterday I met my sponsor.

I told her my recent woes. How I feel like I’m doing all the right things, but I still end up wanting a good, stiff drink. I told her I’d been avoiding meetings. And, this time, it’s not because I’m disenchanted with AA, it’s because I feel like I’ve reached an AA plateau.

I’m sober. I’m staying positive. I’m working my program. But, I’m still crawling into my hole. I was almost embarrassed to admit that, after close to a year in this program, I still don’t have any real recovery friends. I show up to meetings. I know everyone in all my mainstay groups, but, I still feel like an outsider.

She told me that if there was a newcomer at the meeting we go to together right after our one-on-one meeting, I should go up and say “hello.” I immediately recoiled. What was I supposed to say to this hypothetical newcomer? What could I possibly have to offer her? I’ve been here in the rooms of AA for just shy of a year and I’m still a fucking recluse.

After my initial moment of panic, I started to breathe easy. There are seldom newcomers at the women’s meeting we go to together. And, before we even arrived, I considered myself off the hook. I was prepared to sit back in my seat, take in my meeting, and then go home to my cat and marinate in yet another night of Netflix, solo, in bed.

Oh, how the chips of fate do fall. Lo and behold, in our circle of regular ladies sat a new face. She took a 24 hour coin and told her story. And, I’ll admit, I missed a good part of her share stressing out about exactly what I’d say to her once the meeting was over. I tried to smile at her throughout the meeting, hoping to make her feel welcome. Maybe that would be enough?

Well, the meeting ended. And there she stood across the room looking as afraid as I felt. And, I suddenly remembered my first meeting. I wished someone had come up to me that day and told me to be kind to myself, because I had given myself a real mental beating for feeling like I even had to be at an AA meeting. So, that’s what I did. I gave her my phone number and said, “Be nice to yourself. You got here, and it’s a big deal.”

As I walked out of the meeting, I felt like I could have said more, but, I’d done my part. I’d said hello. My sponsor had seen me do it. My work was done.

Well, not quite. Because today the newcomer texted me. She asked me if I was going to another meeting tonight. And, I wigged out. I totally wasn’t going to go to a meeting tonight. I was planning on going straight home from work, making dinner, turning on the tube, and sitting, alone, in front of it. But, I suddenly felt this compulsion to get this girl to another meeting. It was my duty. And, staying home, yet again, isolating was hardly an excuse to blow this girl off. So, I gave her a couple of options for women’s meetings in the Portland area and we met up. And guess who showed up?

My fucking sponsor. And if you all could have seen the shit eating grin on her face, it would have made you smile.

So, maybe this newcomer girl isn’t my new best friend, but seeing her eyes light up at the prospect of getting sober made me hopeful for my own sobriety. I remember feeling the exact same things this girl felt.  And you know, as alone as I still feel today, more than a year after my first AA meeting, my life is so much better. She made me see how far I’ve actually come. And, if she can show up to a meeting two days in a row as a newbie, well fuck, I can say “hi” to a few people I don’t know. Hell, maybe I can even grab a cup of coffee.

They say if you want to keep it, you’ve got to give it away.

And, you know something? They were right.

Again.

Day 316: The Woman I Am

Times have been rough.

I’ve wanted to use. A lot.

And, my way of dealing with this blog has been to ignore it.

I have virtually no readers but, for the few people that do visit, I didn’t want to write about the messy shit. And, as I sat in my AA meeting this morning, I felt the need to write. I was daunted by all the catching up I had to do. Missing many posts for many, many days of sobriety. Hard days of sobriety. Days where my experience “should” have been documented.

After all, hasn’t my goal been to chart my sobriety. To note the ups and downs, have a daily post for every denial, heartache, success, and triumph?

Well, the truth is, when I strip away everything. When I look at what I set out to do and what I’ve done, what I thought would happen and what actually happened, well, they don’t match up, at all. And, that’s life.

My goal to write every day, has been a noble one. I’ve done the best I can, even when I’ve given up and ignored this quest to write, I can assure you that I’ve still endeavored to be my best self.

My best self, is this person writing right here, right now. I am who I am today. And, that woman is sober. That woman, she can’t write everyday, or, she won’t. And, she certainly can’t paint a glorious picture of perfect sobriety, because there is no such thing.

As I trudge through these months leading up to a year of sobriety, I sit in honest fear of relapse, every day. I feel it sneaking up on me like a purse-snatcher. And, while it hasn’t happened, and I can’t predict what will or will not happen, I know that this feeling of wanting to be anywhere else and feel anything other than I feel is the main reason I got wasted.

I want to check out. I curse the fact that as an active AA and that I have to wake up every day and be present for these feelings. I resent having to work at feeling OK and, most days, end up feeling decidedly not OK. But, I still make the decision not to drink. And then I go to sleep and I wake up and I do it again.

So, as I write, I feel somewhat better for coming clean, saying that I think life is shitty right now, that I don’t want to be sober, that I don’t want to write, that I am OK, or at least trying to be, with squelching on a commitment that I made to you, my readers, and to myself, I know that on some level I’m doing the right things.

This isn’t easy. It isn’t a joy ride. And, as much as I’ve wanted to paint this picture of constant growth and upward transition into healthy and happy living, I can’t. I’m not God, I’m not in control, and I don’t want to be anything other than I am today, because, I just can’t.

Here in Portland, it’s 9AM. And, in two hours, the pub around the corner opens. And, more than anything, I want to go sit on my old bar stool and suck back five bloody Mary’s. I want to laugh, meaningless laughter, with the regulars, I want to stumble home and lay on my couch and watch TV. But, I’m not going to do that.

I’m going to go to my women’s meeting at 10:30AM. And, I’m going to stay sober today. And when I wake up tomorrow, wanting, yet again, to drink myself into a stupor instead of going to my job where I feel like a worker on an assembly line, I’m going to go to my 7AM AA meeting and then, I’m going to drive to work and stand at the proverbial conveyor belt.

Because, I know what being drunk gets me. I know I don’t want that.

But, God, I want to be drunk. So fucking drunk.

Day 296: Wires

Sometimes I get in my own way.

I see it coming, like a train wreck, but there’s no stopping it.

These days recovery is less about drinking and more about rewiring. Rewiring the brain that so often leads me to places I don’t want to go. It’s that same brain that convinced me to drink years of my life away, all the while telling myself that I was having the time of my life, as everything slowly unraveled.

So, I’ve put the glass down, but, the hard wiring for all the behaviors that had become so standard is still there. And, the clearer my purpose becomes, the more I just want to tear out the whole system.

It’s like defusing a bomb. Which wire will deactivate the bomb? Which one will detonate it? The blue one, red one, or the green? I still don’t know all the time. And, learning the inner workings of my brain’s bomb system is risky business. Explosions are inevitable. So the real task becomes mastering the clean up, and learning from missteps.

As the clock ticks down to my next unhinging, I frantically pull at every wire. Ripping each one out, little electrical surges sting me. I hold my breath with each cut and cross.

And, live in the hope that when things do explode, that eventually the dust will settle, and there, beside the debris and desolation, I can rebuild.

Day 293: Meeting Makers Make It

With all the upheaval of the last few weeks, I feel really grateful to be working a good program in AA.

As I sift through new emotions and feelings, adjust to being back to work, navigate the trials and joys of being in a relationship, and strive to to continue pursuing my personal goals I’ve found myself busy and overwhelmed. And while there’s nothing bad going on in my life, the now constant pull of life and its responsibilities can leave me feeling out to sea.

This week, I went to at least one AA meeting a day, sometimes two. It gives me the foundation I needed in the day. An anchor. A semblance of normalcy that I’ve come to depend on. While my program has waxed and waned in the past nine months, AA has shown up for me when I truly needed it, and, I have shown up for it.

Some mornings have been tough. When my alarm chimes at 5:30AM, there are a plethora of reasons that I could stay in bed. But, I’ve asked myself every morning I’ve woken up this week, what more important? Another hour of sleep or a grounded and positive start to my day in a meeting? The answer, every day, has been: Get to a meeting.

In AA, the saying goes that meeting makers make it. It’s true. The more meetings I go to, the more I see the good things in my life. It’s easy to get distracted by all the demands of day-to-day life, to get weighed down by the tasks and responsibilities that a full and productive life present. More than anything else in sobriety I’ve had to really adjust my thinking. Improving my quality of life, most days, just takes looking at things in a positive light.

Meetings remind me that, despite appearances, the world isn’t out to get me. And, if I want the world, it’s me who has to go take it by storm. Things aren’t just handed to us, whether we’re sober or not. We have to work and strive for our goals and desires. We have to make tough decisions and judgement calls. But, with a positive attitude and tools for living, the footwork necessary to achieve my life’s goals doesn’t seem nearly as impossible as it once did.

And, if I forget all this by tomorrow morning, I know that all I need to do is get myself to a meeting, and I’ll be reminded.

Day 292: Dreams and Decisions

I dreamed of my ex last night.

It was one of those dreams you just know that you won’t forget. A vivid picture. A setting that’s imprinted. There are dreams that I have hurriedly written down, the threat of losing them nipping at my heels. Not this dream. I’ll carry this one for a long time, if not forever.

There are some images so striking that even if we don’t understand them completely, we see something. Really see it. And, maybe it’s more of a feeling than anything else. Like, when you’re at an art gallery or museum and an art piece really hits you in your gut, without any real reason. Maybe it’s a defined image, maybe it’s abstract, but, somehow you know it, it’s familiar.

I still find myself thinking about my ex these days. He still crops up in a variety of ways. All garden variety ex feelings. Resentment. Sadness. Nostalgia. Regret. Self righteousness. You name it, and I’ve probably been down that road with the ol’ ex. And, maybe that’s why this dream was so striking. All the feelings I had toward him turned on me.

I was asked, in my dream, to decide something. And, I remember feeling panicked at the prospect of having to make a decision about this thing. And, when I woke, I felt that I still had to decide. This thing that had been eminent and immediate in my dream, wasn’t so far fetched here in my real life. And, even though I don’t have to make a decision like the one my ex asked me to make, I feel like, well, maybe I do.

If your being asked to decide something in your dream, isn’t that just your subconscious asking you to decide something in your waking hours?

In my dream, before I could tell my ex what I’d decided, I knew I had to tell him that I was clean and sober. And so I opened my mouth to tell him, and then, I woke up to the chiming of my alarm.

My first, waking thought this morning was, I’m clean and sober now. And as I deconstruct my dream, I know that, because of my sobriety, if I decide, whatever I decide, it will be the right thing to do

Day 290: The Sweet Sip

You can run, but you can’t hide. Not from yourself anyway.

It’s taken a lot of time and digging in AA, rehab, and therapy, but, I’ve started to discover that facing things directly is the only way to avoid disaster. It’s the solution to all my problems. Action. Communication. Honesty. I see it. I’ve seen it. It’s true, real, and proven. But, in spite of myself, I just can’t let go of old habits.

I sat face to face with my therapist today. And, before she gave me the reality check of a lifetime, I looked into her eyes and truly appreciated that I have someone in my life with whom I can be completely honest and open. No judgement. No opinion. Just an ear. An ear that sometimes offers helpful suggestions or makes connections that I just couldn’t see on my own.

I hadn’t seen her in three weeks because of my new work schedule. And, it felt like I’d arrived at an oasis when she came out from her office to retrieve me in the lobby. But, there, in her little office, she helped me to uncover the ultimate secret I’ve been keeping. One that isn’t going to hurt anyone but myself. And, as she helped me arrive at this gem of anguishing self-doubt, I felt that maybe the oasis was about to run dry.

The truth that I uncovered today was something that, maybe, I knew about all along. I’ve managed to be honest with myself about all the things that have held me down, even when it’s meant holding myself accountable for some pretty bad shit. But, despite my well-learned lessons in honesty, I’m still afraid to trust my own, honest-to-God-gut-feelings.

I’ve come into my therapist’s office with the same problem over and over again. And, of course, I recognize that it’s a reoccurring negative theme, but, I’m talking about it in therapy. I’m working on it. Right?

Wrong.

At what point does returning to the same foe, over and over again, become the same insanity that brought me back to the bar night after night. Talking doesn’t solve problems. Clarify them, sure. Explicate and justify them, yes. But, it doesn’t solve anything. Fixing requires action. Actual mending. And, what’s rough about some dilemmas is, well, they can’t be resolved. You can attempt and attempt, but, at some point, you begin to realize that banging your head against a wall isn’t going to make your headache go away. It’s walking away from the wall.

I’ve grown so much. Learned more than I thought possible in the last 9 months. But, walking away from something that isn’t working…that’s a new concept. And with it, comes its own set of problems. New levels of discomfort. Taking action in ways I’ve never taken action. Strength and courage, that I don’t know that I have yet, are necessary. My desire has always been to fix, not to abandon. It’s the woman in me. The untapped mother. The dutiful child. To go against my instincts, even when I know it means I will get to the best outcome, is devastating.

At the oasis, I had my sweet sip. Truth. This thing I’ve sought after.

The power in knowing what you have to do. The helplessness in having no clue how to do it.

Day 288: Girlfriends

I’m not sure what’s going on  here. I want a girlfriend.

No, I haven’t gone renegade lesbian. But, recently, I’ve really felt this need to have more women in my life.

It’s something I’ve never been good at. Middle school, high school, college, adulthood, I’ve always hung around guys. And, of course there’s been a a woman or two who ran in my circle of friends, a female co-worker that was fun and easy to relate to, but not a great friend. Not a chick who is worthy of becoming a part of what I hope will eventually become my very own Sex and the City posse.

Well, maybe I won’t go that far.

But, I will say that my women’s AA meetings have been the most rewarding of late. I feel understood, and, I feel like the more I go through in sobriety, the more I want people who really understand and can help me interpret my own experience. I’ve fought the female ally thing for awhile. Somewhere deep down, there’s that competitive mistrust. That need to appear a certain way in front of other women. Saving face takes on a whole new definition.

In sobriety though, and in AA, where people are really searching themselves, really examining where their true weaknesses lie, we start to see that maybe those things we used to think about other women aren’t as true as we thought. I’m finding that we all feel the same way, judged. And, in that acknowledgement of judgement, we somehow begin to free ourselves from it.

It’s taken awhile to get to this place. To a place where I actually want to let other women in and let them see me be vulnerable. But, the more I change and grow in AA, the more I see that I have to look outside myself. I have to find people whose answers and truths are akin to my own. And, perhaps I knew that this would be uncomfortable. Maybe that’s why it took so long to come around.

I’m not entirely there yet. But, my new girlfriend, she’s gonna be great, even if she is a crazy, judgmental bitch. That’s how I roll.