Day 240: Sublime

Love is what I got.

As the 5th Step ick begins to, slowly but surely, wash away, I’m left with the glitter and the gold.

That relief I was hoping for, well, I didn’t get that. But, I did get something else, something even better. I got a new set of eyes. All those things and people I used to look on with such disgust; the blame, shame, anger, manipulation, narcissism, that I used to wield , they all melt at my sides and fall away. And, all those little things that have bothered me in sobriety seem inconsequential.

If I’m given this opportunity to “start over” then, why hold on to all that garbage in the here and now. All those things that are so intricately linked to old, bad behavior, don’t serve me here, in this moment. And, completing my 5th Step has allowed me to see that change is possible. It requires awareness and work. But, after looking at the guts of my past, the maintenance work in the present moment hardly seems work at all if I can say that I will live in a better way than I was living before.

As I lay huddled next to Lars in bed, clad in pajamas, watching movies, he nodded off to sleep. I looked at him for a moment and realized that I wasn’t thinking. I could just feel my love for him rising off my skin like radioactive waves. I’ve watched Lars sleep before. And usually my mind runs. Thoughts about us, our future, our little problems, our surprisingly compatible incompatibilities. But, tonight, there was not a thought to be had. I just lay there, feeling. Feeling different. Feeling the rise and fall of his chest. Feeling the comfort and ease of just sleeping in the company of someone else.

Suddenly, it seems so easy. To just let go of all this crap. The crap I used to cling to, and, for what? Little dramas that I created just to keep my mind busy and my  heart cordoned off.

It’s not just old behavior that has to go. It’s the old thinking that leads me down these paths that so quickly twist and turn into darkness, even when I’d been right there walking in the light.

People always say, “You see what you want to see.” And, I never believed that. But it’s true. I wanted to see all the pain, hurt, and betrayal because that made it easier to throw a big ol’ pity party for myself. And, I fucking love a good pity party. The thing is, no one shows up to my pity parties except for me. And, all along, I just wanted some company.

And, here I am, in great company. Enjoying a regular Monday night, in old, ratty pajamas, next to a man who’s really given me nothing but good things in my life. And, today, I choose to let the the brush strokes create whatever kind of canvas they desire. Tonight’s story is sublime, without revision. Simple and honest in nature. Just love.

Tonight I experience a new type of freedom.

Day 239: When The Dust Clears

I woke up this morning with my 5th Step behind me.

While I did meet my sponsor for almost two hours today to tie up loose ends and review the work we’ve done thus far, the truly hard part of the 5th Step had been completed. It felt strange.

After the general icky-ness of yesterday, today feels different. Those feelings of being a truly wretched human being have diminished, but, their weight is still palatable and present. But today, that weight feels like conduit to change. The filth that seemed to cover me, head to toe, yesterday, the dirt of the past, today seems like less of a stain. Today, I want to be different.

Is this it? Is this the relief that I’ve heard so much about? The reward of the 5th Step? Well, I suppose it is, at least for today. The desire to change is something big, especially when it means changing so much of who you were. With this insight to who I was, before taking ownership of my life and my wrongdoings, I can see how far I’ve already come. As I see it, I started changing for the better the second that I set foot, with willingness, in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

People talk about 12 Step programs in relation to recovery, whether it’s from drug use or alcohol abuse, but, once you are in the rooms of recovery you discover that this program is so much more than saving yourself from substance abuse. In the rooms of AA, the 12 Steps are described as a design for living. And, having done the work I’ve done so far, I can say with no reservations that the design for living is really the true gift of the program.

Those of us with the strongest of wills can put down the drink or the drug and live clean. I believe that. But, the 12 Steps really allow people to take themselves on, to clean out the gutters of their lives so far beyond the substance issues that brought them to the point where they felt they had to in order to survive.

In AA we joke the everyone should work the 12 Steps, people in recovery, and regular people everywhere, the world would be a better place. And, I truly do believe that. But, I accept that it will never come to pass that all people in the great, wide world would voluntarily subject themselves to this rigorous process of self exploration and self improvement. And, while there are certainly many people in my life who are not in recovery that would most certainly benefit from a process like this, I know too that it is not my place to decide on or advise such a path for anyone but myself.

Today, though still slightly shell shocked from the gravity of yesterday’s reality, I am suddenly overwhelmed by the sincerity with which I, myself, feel I can truly change. It’s not just the willingness any longer, but, the genuine desire. It’s not just the need to stay sober in order for my life to run smoothly, but, the confidence that if I remain on this road, I will continue to find happiness, continue to see things improve, continue to be of more help and value to others.

How I came to sit in this reality today after sitting in the reality and the sad awareness of my faults only yesterday, I’m still not sure. But, I have learned not to question the how and why of AA. It works. That is all I need to know or say about it. If this feeling is relief, I’m not sure. But, I am sure that I am living in a different world today than I was yesterday. And, it’s a better world.

The dust of the 5th Step has settled, and the road ahead is long, but, I am on it. And, what’s more, I want to be on it.

Day 238: 5th Step — Holy Fucking Shit

I’ve talked about expectations, but, man, there was no expecting this: 5th Step.

I tried to go into today with no expectations. Not only because I really had no idea what to expect, but, because, I really wanted to have an organic experience. With myself. With my sponsor. With God. So, therein lay the expectation, that really, I expected nothing. And, perhaps this was a good thing, perhaps not.

I had no expectation of today’s reading of my 4th Step providing relief, but, I had that hope. And, after the epic journey of writing out my 4th Step, which in and of itself was a relief to complete, I thought that reading it–just rattling it off–would be a cinch.

Au contraire mon frere. Au contraire.

Today was a new kind of low. A low where I had a safety net built in, but, a low so bad that the net allowed me to sink in, more than just a bit, to taste and feel the murky waters of my past. It was extremely hard for me. Hard for me to look at the damage that I’d done to myself, but, also, that I was responsible for in other’s lives.

While writing my 4th Step, I could see my character defects. I could even see that they came up more than once. I started to see the patterns I had formed, starting from a very young age. But, writing all these things down was not even the half of it.

As I read my 4th Step out loud to my sponsor, as we stopped and talked about behaviors and patterns, I was completely astonished. ASTONISHED. Appalled, devastated, saddened, hurt, confused, and truly upset by the consistent behavioral patterns that dominated my life. Cruel and damaging. And, I so easily justified it all, even in writing my 4th Step, I didn’t see how I’d made all that mess “acceptable.”

I won’t go into too much detail, because the filth is mine to live with, and mine to wash away.

As I walked to my car after completing my reading, leaving my sponsor, I felt as if I were covered in dirt from head to toe. A feeling so weighty and gross that it seized me like a thick layer of dried mud that would never shower off.

When I did shower, before heading out to see Lars’ band play a show, I tried to understand this feeling. I tried to figure out how this conception of complete demoralization and regret would ever go away or benefit my growth in any way. But, I could make no rhyme or reason of it. And so, I did only as I know how to do, trust that the program of AA works, and leave today behind. On to tomorrow.

I stood at the music venue and let the deep, resonating tones of Lars’ bass fill my chest. I let myself and the day go. I wanted to feel anything other than the way I felt. And so, I let myself feel the music. I let it all go…

Today was so extremely powerful. I still am so unsure of what I just experienced.

All I know is that tomorrow is another day, and it will require another shower.

Day 235-236: Hammering It Out

The end of the line.

With plans to do my 5th Step on Saturday, it is absolutely imperative that I finish my 4th Step. The step that has been the bane of my existence for the last 5 months. The unclimbable mountain of shame. I’ve sat, and sat, and sat staring at my little turquoise journal, in which I do all my step work, and my pen doesn’t seem to want to move across the page.

With just days left, it becomes a matter of will.

Do I want to go to Ireland having completed my 4th and 5th Steps? Or not?

Of course the answer is, yes, I want to have those two steps under my belt and under my feet. I want to travel the glorious roads of the motherland knowing that I have done everything I can to be better myself, to be new and clean, and to be the woman that I aspire to be. My mind can try all it wants to convince me of reasons to put off the hard work in front of me, but, deep down, in the core of my soul, I know what has to be done. And, I’m going to do it.

So, these past few days have required the heavy lifting and the heavy hammer. Every time that I’ve wanted to give up, or felt that I’ve met my match, I have had to decide to keep going.

It’s like sobriety. You can only go at the pace you can go. But, along with my higher power, it’s in moments like these where I have to exercise my own will, I have to work hard, do the footwork. It’s a mental and emotional challenge. And, every time I think I’m going to break down, I have to go to the top of a cliff in Ireland in my mind. How will I feel standing there, looking out on the sea, on God’s good Earth, if I don’t have this work done? I know I won’t feel good.

So, I press on. Trudging through the mud of my past. Memories I think, sometimes, that are better left buried. Because I know that every stone left unturned here in the US is a stone I will trip over in my spiritual journey to Ireland.

There comes a time where you have to see the end result. Perhaps your whole life doesn’t rest upon that result, but, it’s the thing that gets to over the hump. As I sit here on my couch, taking a break from my painful work, I know that when my plane takes off, I will be so much lighter in the air than I am today. The gravitational pull of my step work lessening, even if just for a few moments.

Back to the hammer. It’s hard work. But, the end’s in sight. And, I just know that it will be glorious!

Day 227: Amped

Having booked my trip to Ireland, I feel a new wave of inspiration.

Of course, I’m more than excited for the trip itself, planning it, and getting ready for it in terms of the logistics. But, having it just a few weeks off has lit a fire under my butt. I’m suddenly amped to finish some of the things that I have been doing. Like, my 4th step, I’ve been “almost done” with it for a few weeks now. My pending trip is a really great reason to get it done. And, to get my 5th step done as well.

I imagine myself at the peak of Croagh Patrick and being free of all that crap. Free of the stress of just getting it all done. All those resentments, all that shame, gone. And, since it’s so completely doable, not even stress-worthy to finish it all up here on my little red couch, the trip is great incentive to just be through with it all.

There’s the job search that I’ll return to when I get back home. And, while recently that’s been getting me down, I’d like to think that getting away and then coming back will send me forth in my search with a new energy. I will have done something in my life that I will never do again, most likely. It’s a unique opportunity for my freedom, my spirit, and my God. I can’t predict the future, nor will I pretend to know anything about anything, but, I do know that since I’ve gotten sober, the universe has made some strange shifts. Ones that seemed to occur as if by some divine knowledge that I was ready for this new thing, challenge, or relationship. Perhaps the universe will intuitively know that “I’m ready now,” when I get back. And, then again, maybe it won’t.

Being amped and excited, I often find myself playing the soothsayer. This will lead to this. Plan this to avoid this.

But, that’s the old me thinking. When I stop myself from incessantly planning and micromanaging every detail, I realize that’s what this trip is about. Winging it. Experience for experience’s sake. It’s OK to have an outline, more than OK, an outline is good. But, I know I’m going to find my joy in the wiggle room….

Adventure. Excitement. Reconnecting with God in a special place. History. Culture. AND Mistakes. Wrong turns. Sheep in the middle of the highway. Missing road signs.

It’s exactly what recovery has been gearing me up for: The rewards where you can reap them, lessons where you can learn them, and patience in between.

Today was a flood of list making. Trip plans. Goals to accomplish before leaving. Care instructions for my precious kitty.

And, with each quick scrawl across my notepad, a tiny electric shock of positive energy. Excitement I feel all the way to my marrow.

Day 226: Booked

Solution.

It’s a word that is thrown around a lot in AA. Because, well, it is the solution if you’re a drunk like me. Or, I should say, an alcoholic like me. I can be so self seeking and self involved that I really miss the point. And, more importantly, in the moments that I actually do have a point, I can miss it while I’m obsessing over other things.

After yesterday’s eye opening meeting with my sponsor, and an open and honest conversation with my folks about my trip, I realized that all I really have to do in life is take things head on. The things that I fear most are hardly ever the epic controversies I make them out to be in my own mind. My sponsor reminded me that in order to be true to yourself, you have to take the people around you who love you and support you into account. And, that concept, for some reason was a pretty frightening one. Being open with others doesn’t require that you agree. But, if you communicate, I’ve found anyway, pretty much anything is, at the very least, negotiable.

I woke up this morning at Lars’ and I decided to take a tip from the lessons I learned yesterday. I still found myself getting tied up in mental knots about his busy schedule and how I fit into it. I want to be a part of his life, an important part. And, on some level I know I am, but, in some ways it’s not what I truly wanted. Deciding to take this trip has allowed me to see that I do have control over my expression. I can’t change or predict exactly what’s going to happen in my life, but I do get my say. I don’t have to be passive. Actually, quite to the contrary. I have to be active. I decided I was going to have the conversation with Lars. The conversation where I say that my time is valuable, and, as much as I love him and am willing, to a point, to wait for him, my life is moving forward. My sobriety, my trip, my job (that I have every confidence I will get), my thinking…it’s all going forward. And, he’s welcome to join me, but, I’m not going to get stuck like I did with my last partner. I can’t be afraid anymore.

As I thought about exactly how I wanted to address Lars and before I even got out my morning hello, he sat down next to me and it was as if he knew what was going to come out of my mouth.  He knew where I was coming from and that something had to give on his end if this was going to work. He basically condensed the three paragraphs of banter I was getting ready to rattle off in one sentence. And from there, we commenced to communicating.

It’s something that I’m still getting used to, talking about how and why I feel, and then having someone listen and accept. All it takes is practice. And even though Lars is booked this week, I know how he feels about it and he knows how I feel, and that removes some of the tension that seems to flare up when it’s just me left alone with my own thoughts.

So, in the spirit of being booked, I went home, and I booked my trip to Ireland.

A reward for the lessons that were hard-learned and hard-earned in AA. A gift to me, my spirit, and the spirit I’m seeking. And, as I sat on the couch reveling in the joy of my soon-to-be adventure, I realized that so much of the life that’s become available to me is because of sobriety and the tools for living that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me.

So, it’s time to get booked once more, Big Booked. I still have a 4th and 5th step to finish before I leave the country, and now, I’ve got the dates set! No excuses!

Days 212-218: The Dark, The Meadow, and The Island

When I started this blog, it was my hope to write everyday.

Nugget upon nugget of wisdom, pain, and growth.

That was my thought at the onset of sobriety. My fantasy. Each day unfolding, yielding gems of knowledge and truth. And, in some ways, that has been the case. I wake each morning clear and fresh. No remnants of alcohol twisting their way through my blood and brain. But, not every day has proved to be a golden one. And, while that isn’t a major surprise, it has become apparent that the darkness that we all sometimes fall into, sober or not, can be our greatest teacher.

So went this week. Which I will compartmentalize for you. Not only because I did not have the motivation, hope, or wherewithal to write, but, because there was not much to say. Not until the week ended, after a walk through a pitch black forest, could I step into the meadow, sun beams abound so bright I could see them even after closing my eyes. A lesson in myself so great, that it hardly warranted the seven posts this week lacked. For, if I had written this week, day by day, I may have missed it.

The week started with a strange permission. My therapist told me to be compassionate to myself. And, in therapist-speak that means, don’t beat yourself up. And, so, when Monday came and went, without an AA meeting, without writing, without reading, without exercise, without human contact for the most part, I lay in bed and forgave myself for my inactivity. And, so it began, a week long bed rest, in which I let myself off the hook for nearly everything.

I lay in bed, not attending an AA meeting until Saturday. I told myself that I needed a break. That my only job was to apply for jobs. And, between my walks to my own coffee pot and the Starbucks conveniently located around the corner, that is pretty much all I did. Surf the internet for job postings and guzzle inordinate amounts of coffee.

It did not take long for my brain to go mad. What some people in AA refer to as race brain. I quickly became discontent with everything. Myself, my life, my body. The people in my life from Lars, to my most convivial acquaintance. I felt that I was enveloped in a lonely, dark cloud, hovering right over my bed. Lars, busy with his work, band, and social commitments was booked until the weekend. And, I suddenly, in a state quite outside myself, did not care. I did not want to see or talk to anyone. I felt as if what little I once had to offer had evaporated into the ether.

The week went on, hopeless and margin-less. I let the darkness take me. And, did so with compassion. I did not judge the sad sack I had allowed myself to be. In fact, I felt deserving of it. All this work in sobriety, all this work on my 4th step, and for what? For what, I asked? The hole grew so big grew that it felt as though nothing could fill it. Not even a drink. And, normally, I would say that that is progress. Because, for a time, drinking was my great problem solver. But, this un-fillable hole, there was nothing progressive about it. To feel something that feels un-healable, not with human contact, food, drink, cigarettes, it’s inexplicable. As a solution based person, I ran over and over again in my head, anything that would even partially fill this growing void. It felt as though even God had taken a vacation.

And then, the light bulb.

If it were true, if God wasn’t here. Where then, was he? Where would I find him? A seemingly singular solution to a formless problem. And, my great inner abyss softened and widened. I needed to go find God. But, where? And there, in my mind’s eye, the Atlantic ocean, thousands of miles away, poured into my heart, filling every dark, lofty space. As I flew over it, a red line crawling across a map, just like an Indiana Jones movie. And, the little red star marking the end of it’s flight….Ireland.

Since college, Ireland  has been the home to my heart. Lush green, winding music spilling out of quaint little doors, prose and literature so rich it’s like a ten pounds of butter or cream to the soul, a history wrought with so much angst and violence, and it’s independence and conquest so great, valorous is only one of the words that fails to fully encompass it’s stamina, will, and heart.

So, I woke from my sleep on Saturday afternoon, literally and figuratively. I went to pick up Lars for our AA home group’s quarterly pot luck. And, I ate, chatted, and sat in a meeting before going home and watching movies with Lars and his cat. And Sunday, when I woke up and gathered my things before meeting my sponsor, my whole heart was different. No longer comprised of a vast emptiness, but of vocation and determination. Back to AA, back to recovery, back to the steps. Because on this morning, it’s a time for figuring things out. Figuring me out. Seeking something that I am suddenly sure, beyond any doubt, I can find.

It’s a time for negotiating, compromising, and planning. I have to finish my 4th step. And, then, my 5th.

Because I’m going to him. I don’t care how. I’m going to find God.

And, I know he’s on the Island.

Day 76: Getting Back In Step

A week off from hardcore recovery was just what the doctor ordered.

I hadn’t even realized that being in treatment five days a week was such a grind. But, taking a little break was just what I needed.

I have this habit of getting pretty gung-ho when I’ve set my mind to something. And the pursuit of sobriety and recovery has been no exception. I knew that I was wearing myself thin, but, taking this whole week to be with my family was so beneficial. It gave me time to reflect on the progress I’ve made and all the challenges I’ve overcome. It also gave me some perspective. I still have a lot of work to do. Having had this time away from full-throttle recovery, I can really see where my program needs some stepping up.

I didn’t miss one AA meeting this week. So, I know my AA bond is strong. And, that’s really important to me. The family that my home group has become, well, there’s nothing else to say except, it warms my heart. AA gave me refuge, a place to voice that bottled up angst that sometimes accompanies family when they visit. It’s so heartening to know that the foundation I’ve been building over the last few months is so strong and solid. A place where I’m always safe, welcome, and wanted. A place for me to get away from myself and my crazy brain.

As I look out into the coming weeks, I see I need to step it up. In my life, and in my program. And, most importantly, my step work. My sponsor and I have been making really great progress. I’m excited and nervous for the work ahead. I’ve still got some work left to do for my third step, but, my higher power and I are pretty strong. My sponsor and I have plans to finish my third step out in the Columbia River Gorge. My heart soars just thinking about it. Nature has always been the place God has shown his face to me most brightly and vividly. And, here in the beauty of Oregon, I see him everywhere.

As thrilled as I am about completing my third step, that means one thing: The Fourth Step is coming.

I’m trying not to dread it. Making plans to avoid dragging my feet over it, as so many AAs do. I’m trying not to worry about it before I get there. But, it’s difficult. I know, from all the AAs that have shared their experience, strength, and hope with me, that the fourth and fifth steps can be the most rewarding of all the twelve steps. So many have said that these steps in particular have conjured the greatest of the spiritual awakenings in their AA experience. And, that excites me. I also know that to whom much is given, much is required. I know that these steps will not be easy.

So, fresh from a week full of love and needed distraction, I lace up my shoes for what’s coming.

And, prepare to step forward into the abyss of sobriety that promises so much. All the while knowing, it’s going to be a rough road ahead.