Day 238: 5th Step — Holy Fucking Shit

I’ve talked about expectations, but, man, there was no expecting this: 5th Step.

I tried to go into today with no expectations. Not only because I really had no idea what to expect, but, because, I really wanted to have an organic experience. With myself. With my sponsor. With God. So, therein lay the expectation, that really, I expected nothing. And, perhaps this was a good thing, perhaps not.

I had no expectation of today’s reading of my 4th Step providing relief, but, I had that hope. And, after the epic journey of writing out my 4th Step, which in and of itself was a relief to complete, I thought that reading it–just rattling it off–would be a cinch.

Au contraire mon frere. Au contraire.

Today was a new kind of low. A low where I had a safety net built in, but, a low so bad that the net allowed me to sink in, more than just a bit, to taste and feel the murky waters of my past. It was extremely hard for me. Hard for me to look at the damage that I’d done to myself, but, also, that I was responsible for in other’s lives.

While writing my 4th Step, I could see my character defects. I could even see that they came up more than once. I started to see the patterns I had formed, starting from a very young age. But, writing all these things down was not even the half of it.

As I read my 4th Step out loud to my sponsor, as we stopped and talked about behaviors and patterns, I was completely astonished. ASTONISHED. Appalled, devastated, saddened, hurt, confused, and truly upset by the consistent behavioral patterns that dominated my life. Cruel and damaging. And, I so easily justified it all, even in writing my 4th Step, I didn’t see how I’d made all that mess “acceptable.”

I won’t go into too much detail, because the filth is mine to live with, and mine to wash away.

As I walked to my car after completing my reading, leaving my sponsor, I felt as if I were covered in dirt from head to toe. A feeling so weighty and gross that it seized me like a thick layer of dried mud that would never shower off.

When I did shower, before heading out to see Lars’ band play a show, I tried to understand this feeling. I tried to figure out how this conception of complete demoralization and regret would ever go away or benefit my growth in any way. But, I could make no rhyme or reason of it. And so, I did only as I know how to do, trust that the program of AA works, and leave today behind. On to tomorrow.

I stood at the music venue and let the deep, resonating tones of Lars’ bass fill my chest. I let myself and the day go. I wanted to feel anything other than the way I felt. And so, I let myself feel the music. I let it all go…

Today was so extremely powerful. I still am so unsure of what I just experienced.

All I know is that tomorrow is another day, and it will require another shower.

Day 179: Breathe Easy

Today is a major milestone for me.

Today, I got my breathalyzer removed from my car.

After close to a year, with numerous, and by numerous I mean, over a dozen maintenance issues, inconveniences galore, and time wasted, this damn device is out of my vehicle.

In addition to being thrilled, if only about the eased logistics of driving, it also marks another milestone for me, which is, my DUII was over a year ago now. I completed my diversion program and am officially not a convict. Which is phenomenal. Truly.

As I sit and reflect on exactly what this means to me, I keep returning to the place I was, just a little over a year ago. It was such a dark and lonely time. And, my DUII just compounded all the little messes I had haphazardly tried to hold together. In some ways, it was the final straw. Even though I continued to drink another six or seven months after my arrest, I knew that night. I knew I had a problem.

In the midst of the DUII drama, I didn’t think I was going to survive. I had sunk to a new low, one from which I wasn’t sure that I could bounce back. But, I did. It took me a little bit of time and some serious self appraisal, but, I did.

The breathalyzer was a constant reminder of my crime. My alcoholism. My irresponsible actions. My sadness. Even in my sobriety, every time I hopped in the car, I had to remember just how low I’d gone. But, as time rolled on, starting my car, sober, took on new meaning. I’d never have to worry about drinking and driving, because now, I don’t drink. It’s that simple.

Today, I can get into my car and breathe easy. No waiting. No stress. But, relieved as I am to be free of the nuisance, I’m also grateful for the little reminder that I’ve come a long way. A long, long way, in a relatively short period of time. I’m not the woman I was when I got arrested over a year ago. Today I’m responsible for myself and for the people around me. I’m grateful that I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else back then, because I could have had a more lasting, or God forbid, tragic reminder.

I’m free today. Free from so many of the bonds that tied me down back then.

Today, I can get into the car and drive. And unlike just a year ago, there’s not a distance too great to traverse…

Day 5: Rock Bottom vs. Me 2.0

In the last few days, as my start date for rehab approaches, I’ve freaked out, ever so slightly.

I’ve wondered, is this the right choice? Am I that bad, really? Is this really necessary? No one’s put me up to it. And while several people have expressed concern about my drinking, there’s only been one person that described my behavior as “some Leaving Las Vagas shit.”

There’s this little elf voice in my head saying — I’ve been sober four days. I got this. Foolish.

The first step of AA reads: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.

It seems so easy. To admit what you know you are. But, it isn’t that easy. The alcoholic mind wanders and twists in ways the normal mind doesn’t. It makes excuses for drinking, and just about everything else.

It’s hard sometimes as a newcomer. You sit in the rooms of AA and listen to all these stories of people bottoming out. Burning every bridge they have. Losing everything and everyone. I’m not that person. And I hate that feeling, like I have to one-up someone’s fucking share in  AA. Sure, some bridges have been burned, many more just singed. But, I was able to keep a job, my family (even though I was far from honest with them), there are friends I did not alienate, some I did. For the most part, the damage done here, was to myself. My life, or my excuse for one. This is my rock bottom. This is as low as I want to go. So, excuse me if I don’t make the AA ‘bonafide-rock-bottom’ grade.

I have to remind myself daily that I can still be an alcoholic without being a homeless person, in the dredges. That I still have real problems and issues that I need to resolve, or, I will end up with some awful fate.

Before I go to rehab to really fix what’s broken, I stopped drinking. I have four days sober. No, I am not homeless or in detox. And, that’s ok.

I am, and will continue to be, powerless against alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. Even as I write it, it seems foreign, and off kilter. Imagining my life without another drink. But, I do it regardless, because I want what the successful members of AA have. I’m driven, I’m going to get it. And, I’m still an alcoholic, even with all this drive…

So, instead of figuring out how to appear a bottomed out, shell shocked mess, I try to be me. The new version. Version 2.0.

I finished assembling my IKEA desk. I read a book. I watched the news. I brushed my cat. I went grocery shopping. Normal. Simple. Tasks you’d think would be easy to accomplish, but, they just weren’t for me while I was drinking. My free time was precious bar time. And now, time just stretches out it front of me, endlessly.

So the new me is going to take it one day at a time, one step at a time. One monotonous task at a time.

And if you want to compare rock bottoms, talk to me in a month, the new me is hitting up the gym.