Day 149: Stuck In The Middle (With Me)

Things are coming together.

Little by little, inch by inch, I’m starting to see the bigger picture that my world is becoming. And, damn, I like it.

Today. Today I like it. But, let’s be real. It might all be in the shit-er tomorrow. As I’ve discovered, the highs and lows of early sobriety have been almost unbearable at times to weather. I don’t know if you’ve ever had the feeling of soaring on eagle’s wings, flying high above the God given Earth, only to crash into a tree and then fall down from an incredible height, hitting every branch on the way down, but, it’s a fucking miserable feeling. And, the further I get into my own sobriety, the more I see my mind, my brain, trying to catch up to itself.

I’ve heard it said that it takes six to eighteen months for all the neural damages and broken circuits in your noggin to rebound from alcohol abuse. And, that seems crazy to me in some way, because, as I inch up on five months sober, it feels like it’s been forever. It seems impossible that my brain could still be recovering after all this time. But, as I continue to witness these highs and lows, no, live them, again and again, I know it’s not just me being a crazy, manic mess. There’s something else at work here.

Something that’s radical, at least in my healing mind, is that with each high and each low that follows, there are finally a few days of middle ground. So now, as I’m on the upswing of things, I find myself looking forward to leveling out. And, for me to say that I’d rather be somewhere in the middle than flying high, well, that’s just plain astonishing. It’s healing. Progress. Change. Something I’ve never had. A desire, and an ability, to have an even mind and temperament.

I thought life would be boring if things were mellow, I thought I would be boring. It’s not so. My mellow existence is so much more interesting, well put together, and thoughtful than my dramatic drunk tomfoolery. It’s cognizant and spirited. Weighty and deep.

In my second to last one-on-one session with my treatment counselor, I really felt ready to fly. As sad as I am to say goodbye, looking ahead with some melancholy at my last two weeks of treatment here at the center, I feel like this work I’ve done is some of the most important of my life. And, it is. It’s given me my life.

Highs, lows, and all.

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