Day 76: Getting Back In Step

A week off from hardcore recovery was just what the doctor ordered.

I hadn’t even realized that being in treatment five days a week was such a grind. But, taking a little break was just what I needed.

I have this habit of getting pretty gung-ho when I’ve set my mind to something. And the pursuit of sobriety and recovery has been no exception. I knew that I was wearing myself thin, but, taking this whole week to be with my family was so beneficial. It gave me time to reflect on the progress I’ve made and all the challenges I’ve overcome. It also gave me some perspective. I still have a lot of work to do. Having had this time away from full-throttle recovery, I can really see where my program needs some stepping up.

I didn’t miss one AA meeting this week. So, I know my AA bond is strong. And, that’s really important to me. The family that my home group has become, well, there’s nothing else to say except, it warms my heart. AA gave me refuge, a place to voice that bottled up angst that sometimes accompanies family when they visit. It’s so heartening to know that the foundation I’ve been building over the last few months is so strong and solid. A place where I’m always safe, welcome, and wanted. A place for me to get away from myself and my crazy brain.

As I look out into the coming weeks, I see I need to step it up. In my life, and in my program. And, most importantly, my step work. My sponsor and I have been making really great progress. I’m excited and nervous for the work ahead. I’ve still got some work left to do for my third step, but, my higher power and I are pretty strong. My sponsor and I have plans to finish my third step out in the Columbia River Gorge. My heart soars just thinking about it. Nature has always been the place God has shown his face to me most brightly and vividly. And, here in the beauty of Oregon, I see him everywhere.

As thrilled as I am about completing my third step, that means one thing: The Fourth Step is coming.

I’m trying not to dread it. Making plans to avoid dragging my feet over it, as so many AAs do. I’m trying not to worry about it before I get there. But, it’s difficult. I know, from all the AAs that have shared their experience, strength, and hope with me, that the fourth and fifth steps can be the most rewarding of all the twelve steps. So many have said that these steps in particular have conjured the greatest of the spiritual awakenings in their AA experience. And, that excites me. I also know that to whom much is given, much is required. I know that these steps will not be easy.

So, fresh from a week full of love and needed distraction, I lace up my shoes for what’s coming.

And, prepare to step forward into the abyss of sobriety that promises so much. All the while knowing, it’s going to be a rough road ahead.