Day 285: The Caregiver

Giving can be easy. Giving can be hard.

With Lars recovering from surgery, I’ve had to negotiate my time.

Last week, my first week at my new job, was a real struggle. And, this week, easier because Lars is back home in bed, instead of a hospital bed, is still difficult.

As a person who isn’t suffering, it’s hard to watch someone else go through hardship. It’s hard to see them be so strong and and so weak at the same time. It’s hard to understand what Lars is going through, mostly because I’m not sure that I do understand. What I do know is, that no matter what my level of understanding is, I have to be there.

It’s the hardest part about care giving. Knowing that you can’t really change someone else’s reality, but, still really wanting to. I hate that Lars is suffering. But, knowing what I know, what I’ve learned, I can’t change anything, so, the best I can do is accept. And, then in that acceptance of whatever I have to face, I have to suit up and show up. I have to be the strong face he needs, and, he does need it.

On the one hand, it’s nice to feel needed. It’s nice to know that my presence alone is a comfort. But, there’s also this level of expectation that isn’t so nice. This feeling that I should understand and sympathize with his situation at every moment. And, that’s something I can’t do. I don’t know what it is he’s feeling, and, that not-knowing, it makes sympathy hard sometimes. And so, I have to say that I know it’s hard for him, some nights, that’s the best I can do.

While it’s frustrating to feel powerless, yet, responsible, I also have the tools that AA has given me. This toolbox for living that has become infinitely invaluable in the last month. And, one thing I know is, sometimes we don’t know the answer, we hardly understand what’s wrong, much less how to fix it. And, in these moments, I just have to roll with it. I have to know that my God will take care of me. That Lars’ higher power will look after him. That, no burden that he gives me will be more than I can carry. That these feelings of discomfort, are really just growing pains. And, no matter how powerless I feel, I still have the ability to show up and be there.

And, if showing up is the best I can do, then, I will show up.

Just being with Lars in his time of need doesn’t feel like enough. I want to do more, be more. But, the more that idea frustrates me, the more I know that I’m complicating things. I know Lars doesn’t expect anything of me, and so, being there is enough. It has to be.

So I care for Lars the best way I know how, by giving what I have, which is my heart and all the time I can spare.

Day 284: (Re)Sponsor

So much of my anxiety stems from predicting other people’s responses.

I’ve always been painfully self conscious. A codependent, people-pleaser.

So, when I decided, months ago, that my sponsor wasn’t the right fit for me, I put the thought in the back of my mind. I didn’t want to face the uncomfortable steps of finding a new one. It involved reaching out to women in the program I didn’t know, facing a new, unfamiliar program, and, most devestating in my mind, hurting my current sponsor.

While we haven’t always clicked or seen eye to eye, my sponsor has done everything she can to keep me sober. I trust her. I’ve been honest with her, and, she’s been honest with me. Our step work has been life changing and positive. So, to think that I could make her feel bad, well, it made me feel bad. I didn’t want to be responsible for making someone else feel unsuccessful or inadequate. I didn’t want to feel that way, so, how could I go and make someone else unhappy? It felt so un-AA-like.

I talked to other women in the program. Asked them what I should do. And, much to my surprise, I discovered that lot of people switch up their sponsors mid-way through the steps. And, I heard from more than one source that, it’s a sign of a truly good sponsor when they gracefully let you move on to a situation that suits you, and your sobriety, best.

I worked the AA circuit, and found a woman in one of my women’s meetings that really struck me. I’ve been in a meeting with her since I got sober, and she’s always been an example of service, humility, kindness, and enthusiasm for the program. I told her my situation and asked her if she’d be willing to work with me. She was. And so, I no longer had to fear being sponsor-less.

Now, the hard task lay before me. “Firing” my old sponsor.

I stewed on it for hours. Dreading the conversation. Drafting excuses and reasons for my desire to move on. And, when I’d run my brain to the point of exhaustion, I came to the conclusion that, after all this time and work, I could safely say that, in my heart of hearts, I knew that this would be the best thing for my program and my sobriety.

So, tonight, I called my sponsor. And, instead of pulling out my old repertoire of excuses and justifications, I told her exactly what was in my heart. I told her that, above all, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. That I appreciated all the gifts that she had so selflessly helped me to give myself.

And, as per the usual, her response was that of a truly good sponsor. All she wanted to know was that I had another sponsor on deck. She didn’t want my program to suffer. She told me that, her job is to make sure that my sobriety is the best it can be, and, that’s with or without her.

Her compassion and kindness made me want to re-hire her, if only for a moment. She confirmed that we can’t predict how people will respond. We’re not mind readers, as much as we’d like to be. She reminded me that getting your sponsee to work a good program means that you, too, have to work a good program. And, to work a good program, we only have to meet love with more love.

Now, that’s a good (re)sponsor.

Day 269: “Recovery Period,” Adieu.

I got a job yesterday, I start tomorrow, and today, I’m feeling the fear.

I knew it was coming. I knew that the joy and relief of yesterday would wear off, and quickly. It’s scary when you have to adjust, even if you’ve been hoping to make an adjustment for awhile.

I knew the day would come that I’d get work. I’ve wanted it so badly and still want it. But today, as I panic slightly at the thought of leaving behind this stretch of time that’s been devoted entirely to me and my recovery, I know I’m not being unreasonable. It’s a big change. In my time management. In my recovery. In career my path. In everything.

All this movement in my life is great, because I know I must be doing something right for all the facets of my life to be moving forward. But, at the same time, I’d just gotten used to having my days free, having time for all the self care I needed. Time for adventures. And, today, it seems almost sad to say goodbye to this time in my life. It is sad.

There’s that voice though that reminds me that I’m doing the right thing. That it’s time to move on. That I wouldn’t have this opportunity if I weren’t ready for it. The sequence of events that led up to getting this job were pretty serendipitous. And while today it may feel wrong somehow, I know better. It’s that fear of the unknown. Fear of letting go of what you know and grabbing a hold of something new, something that you’re not sure about. It’s an exercise in trust and willingness. And, it’s really a great way to learn to talk to yourself. I know that if this job isn’t for me, that I’ll have the power inside myself to cross that bridge, should I come to it.

Fear will always be there. The unknown is daunting, with good reason, but, I also know that when we stop and face our fear, it’s bark is usually worse than its bite.

I’m going to enjoy this day. Mark it as the last day of my “recovery period.” Now, I get to live my life in recovery. And, that is the greatest gift, a gift which makes fear look like my bitch.

Days 264-267: Hunky Dory Deficit

I started this blog to remind myself of what I am trying to do in sobriety.

I want to be accountable for my life. I want to have a record of my story. I want to share my experience.

And, like the good people-pleaser that I am, I wanted it all to be positive. I wanted this blog to be the place where I could sit down at the end of each day, and find some good. Even if it’s just a little bit.

As time goes on, I realize more and more that so much of sobriety, in reality, is not what I thought I wanted. And, some days, it really doesn’t feel like there’s much good in my world. And while, somewhere, deep down, I know that isn’t true. I know I am lucky to have the people I have in my life, the roof over my head, the food on my dinner plate, I still have trouble finding gratitude.

But, the truth of the matter is, if I’m to be really, truly honest, I have to admit to you, and to myself, that not every day in sobriety is hunky dory. I can sit down and try, but, there are days, usually days that string together sequentially, that I just can’t find gratitude for anyone or anything. I get lost somewhere. And that somewhere is most certainly my alcoholism. I have enough recovery now to know that for sure.

The last few days I’ve found it difficult to regroup. My fight with Lars, though somewhat resolved, doesn’t feel that way. I feel like I conceded to something I didn’t want to, even though that isn’t really the case. I feel like I let myself down by getting lost in someone again. I feel resentful that I put the good person I thought I’d become out there, and that I got a result that looks a lot like the results I used to get when I was drinking.

It makes you question, what’s the value in being sober? What are the dividends when things don’t have the payoff that you were expecting? Am I expected to turn over all my expectations of people, all of them? Because, the last few days, that doesn’t seem fair or right. Sobriety has asked me to redefine my definitions of “fair” and “right.” And, yes, those concepts look very different today than they did at the onset of sobriety, but, I still have what I consider to be a pretty good moral compass, and it’s hard to reconcile what you know, from deep within, and what you’re told is the better way.

Who do you trust ultimately? If my higher power is within me, how can I be sure when to trust myself over some outside influence? Who makes the final call?

It isn’t all hunky dory. And, the best I can do sometimes is sit and know that, whatever this is I’m feeling, for as long as I am  going to feel it, I will get through it. And, when I am through it, I will be on the other end and I will be able to see the lesson I was supposed to learn. It’s just hard being in the thick of it, waiting, knowing that the ending is impossible to predict. I could be on the other side tomorrow, or, it could be six months from now.

So, today, the best I can do in the way of positivity is know that this too shall pass, and when it does, I’ll know why my higher power wanted me to have these days where the bright side feels like the other side.

Day 263: The Great Mind-Reading Hoax

From my days as a bonafide alchie right up to the present, I’ve fancied myself a mind-reader.

Pretty cool, huh?

Well, it was pretty cool, until the whole thing proved to be an enormous hoax. As it turns out, I can’t read minds. I can’t even tell you what’s going on in my own half of the time. My sponsor once pointed out to me that it’s one of the character defects that can cause a lot of pain, for yourself and for the person whose mind you’re reading.

You think you know something about someone else, you think you know how they feel, how they’re going to act, and what they’re going to say. And, with the knowledge you’ve acquired from “mind-reading” you make decisions. You make big, life altering decisions. You create a reality that exists completely and totally in the the vacuum of your own mind. And there, it explodes, detonating other toxic mental mines left and right.

This is what I do with Lars. I read his mind.

The last few days, however tumultuous they may have been in my life, were actually pretty quiet when it came to actual communication with Lars. And, it was that radio silence that let me think I knew what he was thinking. Without any actual words from Lars on which to hang, I chose his words for him.

I convinced myself that our fight, however petty it may have seemed or has evolved to become, wasn’t just a fight. It was the beginning of our great downfall. But, back in reality, there was no indication that it was the end, no evidence of a deal breaker, no trace of the ultimate snafu. But, I had made it just that. I’d written our story, alone, curled up in bed in the fetal position.

An AA slogan that, I’ll be honest, I kind of hate is: Feelings aren’t facts. While I don’t like this saying, for whatever reason, it does have truth. Feelings, from the gut, from the heart, from the head, wherever their origin, are not reality. They are a conception of reality that we create. And, when feelings take us to an extreme edge, it behooves us to forget, that perhaps, the feelings that we feel, are not entirely indicative of what’s really going on.

Tonight, Lars and I talked on the phone. We communicated, with words. There was no telekinesis. No metaphysical woo woo. Words, plain and simple. And, it wasn’t a pleasant conversation. Neither of us really got our way. But, we were able to express how we both felt about our upset with one another and address the issues we wanted to address. And, I quickly learned, that Lars wasn’t going to dump me. I wasn’t going to be left.

It’s a relief, to feel the reality of the truth set you free from the scenarios that you build in the dark corners of your own mind, so easily.

It will take some time to cool off, but, Lars and I will be OK.

So, as I go to sleep tonight, I remind myself that I’m not a mind-reader. And, if I want to avoid being mind-fucked, I have to communicate outside the confines on my own skull.

Day 261: A Memorial For My Memorial Day

Oh cursed expectations, how I abhor thee.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things change. How life’s happenings, however small they may seem, rise up around us like quick sand and turn what should have been a lovely Memorial Day into a harrowing day and night of mounting character defects.

After last night’s short reunion with Lars, I was looking forward to today immensely. Lars arrived home in the wee hours of the morning from his tour, exhausted. I too was tired, still adjusting to being back on Pacific Standard Time. We shared a warm embrace before promptly passing out.

This morning, before leaving to run errands and feed my cat, we’d enjoyed a few hours of catching up between cat naps. I left Lars’ in the afternoon with plans to return in the evening. I was going to make a nice meal. We were going to relax and enjoy each other’s company after two long weeks apart. We both had adventures to recap and stories to tell. And, since my return on Wednesday night, I had been eagerly awaiting this fine Memorial Day. Expecting only the most happy and heartfelt debriefing with Lars.

Ah, but, ye ol’ expectations were not to be met. And, perhaps I should have known,  having planned for this night for days, playing it out and imagining it, that it would not go as planned. And sure enough, the moment came where the shit hit the fan. Lars called to inform me that a friend of his was in from out of town and he was playing a show. Lars hadn’t known. But, he had tickets for us both, and we were going.

I stood in my living room, with the shopping list for our quiet, peaceful, romantic reunion dinner in hand, and my heart sank. How could the plans we’d made be so quickly and easily replaced? Why didn’t Lars want a night alone together the same way I did? My mind shifted from disappointment to anger.

We hadn’t seen each other for two weeks. We had plans. And now, this? A friend that he hardly spoke to or saw called to say, at the last minute, that he had tickets to his show in Portland and Lars was willing to drop everything to go? I felt slighted and unimportant. Suddenly our priorities, that I had thought to be so congruent, could not be more different. Worse than my feeling of anger was that I felt justified in it. AA warns us against feeling justified anger. It’s the worst kind. The kind that allows us to feel “good” in some way. The kind that entitles us.

Don’t think that I didn’t review my own thought processes here. I entertained the idea that I was being inflexible. That I had unrealistic expectations. That I was being selfish and self seeking. But, on the flip side of the coin, I truly felt in the right. We had plans. We are in love. We hadn’t seen each other in awhile and there was catching up to do. And, we had set plans. This was important, to me at least.

Was I wrong in feeling shafted? I’m still not sure.

But, in the moment, I told Lars that I would not go. I told him to go and be with his friends. He asked why he couldn’t have both. Why couldn’t I join him? And, while I entertained the thought momentarily, I felt too hurt, I knew there was no way for me to truly enjoy the evening at this point. And, so, I held to my principles, however rigid, that we had plans, and yet again, something trumped them. Trumped me.

Eventually the text messages back and forth ceased. I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to be seeing Lars tonight. And, I also knew: Lars was pissed. He was as pissed at me as I was at him, if not more so.

As the night went on, my brain flipped into crazy-town mode. Suddenly all these fears cropped up one by one. I played out every possible judgement Lars had of me, one by one. I decided I’d done the wrong thing, then, switched back to thinking I was in the right. Then, the tears. The hopeless lonely feeling that it was over. That, perhaps, we’d reached the impasse that we couldn’t work through. I was inflexible and he was insensitive. We both thought we were right. And, we’re both stubborn. No one’s going to budge.

And so, by 4AM, with raw, pink cheeks and eyes bloodshot from crying, I had come to the conclusion that this was it. This was the end. And, with each passing hour, I sat, waiting for the call from Lars where he would dump me.

Day 246: Take Off

At 3:00AM my alarm sounded and I slept through it.

I woke up at 4:00AM in a panic. But, then, realized that I had set my alarm far too early to begin with because I am crazy when I travel. So, I got up and took a quick shower before making sure that, once again, everything was ready to go for my trip.

Lars lay in bed, watching me as if I were a crazy person, and, in some ways, I was. But, everything that needed to be done had been done. And, if it hadn’t, it was too late now.

We brewed a pot of coffee and sat out on my back stoop smoking cigarettes together. My suitcases and bags packed, zipped, and ready just inside the door.

Then, Lars helped me load my bags into his van, and I kissed my sweet cat goodbye.

The sky was still dark as we drove to PDX for my flight which left at 6:55AM.

Lars drove calmly and, I sat, figiting in the passenger’s seat. Ready for my adventure, but, knowing that 18+ hours of air travel and layovers lay ahead of me. I was ready, but, I was anxious too.

As we took the exit ramp for the airport from the highway, I felt the surge of adrenaline. The day had come. It had seemed like it wouldn’t at all, and now, it suddenly felt as if it had come too soon. That fear. That unknown feeling, excitement and dread combining to create something new and strange.

I hugged and kissed Lars goodbye at the curbside drop-off before I headed to the designated smoker’s area. There, I sucked down cigarettes until I felt sick. Knowing I wouldn’t be able to have another one until I stood on Irish soil.

Check-in, bag check, security check. Check. Check. Check.

I got to the gate where I called my mother to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. And then, off to the kiosk to purchase water and in-flight snacks.

Then, the loud speaker. Time to board.

I threw my bag over my shoulder, and, clutching my passport and boarding pass walked up to the gate.

It’s time for my great adventure to begin…

Day 245: The Man At My Side

I spent the day before take off with Lars.

And, while my stress level is at an all time high, I feel pretty prepared for tomorrow’s exit from American life.

Today, between bouts of stressful list checking, cleaning, and cat petting, I tried to take moments here and there to be grateful for all the things I have here in my home and life. It’s been a crazy couple of weeks. Fifth step, planning, worrying. But, deep down there’s that feeling, somewhere in me, that it’s all going to be just fine.

I found myself getting irritated with Lars. My expectation of him today was that he be my rock. That he confirm all the things that I needed confirmed. That I’m OK. That I’m prepared. That I’m loved. That have no reason to be stressed or worried. Instead, he was himself. Which, of course, is what I really needed, but, because I’m not feeling like myself my patience was limited.

We spent the afternoon in my apartment listening to music. Then, we drove up to the top of Rocky Butte and gazed down on the beauty of the Columbia River. I know Lars brought me up there with the intention of relaxing me, but, I was so preoccupied with everything back at home, in my apartment and in my suitcase, that it was really hard for me to be present and engaged.

We ate a hurried dinner later than I was hoping to do so, and, again, I found myself annoyed with Lars’ calm demeanor. I had to continually remind myself, that for him, this was a day solely to enjoy me before I left town. I had to let go of all the preconceived notions that I had for the day. The two weeks ahead of me, those weeks are for me. I’m going on my journey. Today though, tonight, this time is for Lars and I.

I had to let go of that selfish thinking that so often creeps in when stress levels are elevated. I’ll have all the time in the world to worry about myself, tomorrow.

So, I settled into the stress. Leaned in to Lars’ shoulder, and reminded myself that, no matter how exciting my trip will be, that this, this time, this place, this man, this is important right now.

I know that, as much fun as I’ll be having, there will be those moments while I’m away that I will be wishing for this, for Lars. And, so, I try to relax and enjoy this wonderful thing I have, right now.

Because tomorrow, I will be thousands of miles away.

Day 242-244: i’s and t’s.

Whirlwind.

There isn’t any other way to describe the last few days.

And, while I’d love to go into every stressful detail, I’ll have to throw up my hands and apologize here. The next few weeks, writing will be difficult and entries will be few and far between.

I rarely travel great distances. And, as I have expressed here, my low capacity for stress and high capacity for planning make this one an ultra busy time in my life. I’ve been scuttling about from store to store buying clothes and provisions for my trip. Making lists, checking off items one by one, then re-checking and checking again.

It feels like a kind of insanity, but, a good one. I am thorough. That I can say.

I know once I get on that plane, I will breathe a breath of recycled, dehydrated air, and I will be OK. I will know that I dotted every “i” and crossed every “t.” But, until that breath, until that sigh of relief, I will run, run like a crazed animal through my life. Making sure that I’ve done everything in my power to ensure this trip is a good one, and then, the rest will be up to God.

So, dear readers, I apologize for my brevity and absence in the coming weeks.  But, for the two of you that read this blog with regularity, I will be back. And, hopefully, with some good stories to tell.

Day 238: 5th Step — Holy Fucking Shit

I’ve talked about expectations, but, man, there was no expecting this: 5th Step.

I tried to go into today with no expectations. Not only because I really had no idea what to expect, but, because, I really wanted to have an organic experience. With myself. With my sponsor. With God. So, therein lay the expectation, that really, I expected nothing. And, perhaps this was a good thing, perhaps not.

I had no expectation of today’s reading of my 4th Step providing relief, but, I had that hope. And, after the epic journey of writing out my 4th Step, which in and of itself was a relief to complete, I thought that reading it–just rattling it off–would be a cinch.

Au contraire mon frere. Au contraire.

Today was a new kind of low. A low where I had a safety net built in, but, a low so bad that the net allowed me to sink in, more than just a bit, to taste and feel the murky waters of my past. It was extremely hard for me. Hard for me to look at the damage that I’d done to myself, but, also, that I was responsible for in other’s lives.

While writing my 4th Step, I could see my character defects. I could even see that they came up more than once. I started to see the patterns I had formed, starting from a very young age. But, writing all these things down was not even the half of it.

As I read my 4th Step out loud to my sponsor, as we stopped and talked about behaviors and patterns, I was completely astonished. ASTONISHED. Appalled, devastated, saddened, hurt, confused, and truly upset by the consistent behavioral patterns that dominated my life. Cruel and damaging. And, I so easily justified it all, even in writing my 4th Step, I didn’t see how I’d made all that mess “acceptable.”

I won’t go into too much detail, because the filth is mine to live with, and mine to wash away.

As I walked to my car after completing my reading, leaving my sponsor, I felt as if I were covered in dirt from head to toe. A feeling so weighty and gross that it seized me like a thick layer of dried mud that would never shower off.

When I did shower, before heading out to see Lars’ band play a show, I tried to understand this feeling. I tried to figure out how this conception of complete demoralization and regret would ever go away or benefit my growth in any way. But, I could make no rhyme or reason of it. And so, I did only as I know how to do, trust that the program of AA works, and leave today behind. On to tomorrow.

I stood at the music venue and let the deep, resonating tones of Lars’ bass fill my chest. I let myself and the day go. I wanted to feel anything other than the way I felt. And so, I let myself feel the music. I let it all go…

Today was so extremely powerful. I still am so unsure of what I just experienced.

All I know is that tomorrow is another day, and it will require another shower.